Men hate getting this. Maybe Mormon men more than others, I don't know.
First of all, it can be awkward and unpleasant to 'retrieve a sample' in
medical speak. Second of all, they are usually TERRIFIED that they will come up
with a 'bad' diagnosis, of low sperm count, low sperm motility, or
dysfunctional sperm.
From our discussions in our fertility group, I have
come to the conclusion that men associate the health of their sperm with a part
of their basic self-image and identity.
Alpha males are the only ones in packs that get to have offspring, so if
you can’t have offspring, perhaps they see themselves as the omega. I’m not an expert on male psychology.
In any case, IMO (in my opinion) women seem to be able to face a doctor who
tells them they have 'an inhospitable uterus,' 'failure to ovulate,'
'Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome,’ ‘Fibroids,’ or a multitude of other problems,
and nod quietly. Then we go home (ok, or maybe just to the parking lot) and cry
our eyes out. Then we move on. We face the problem, we take the drugs, we do
the shots, etc. etc. Occasionally we bawl our eyes out, feel better and
move on. Men face a doctor who tells them bad news, and their faces go blank.
They leave, and never want to talk about it again. Inside they are dying, they
feel helpless, they feel un-manly, they feel angry. Actually, they feel a lot
the same as we feel, when the problem is us, but they are probably not going to
admit to it. And the ability to talk through something seems to be an essential
part of the ability to heal.
I learned a lot about semen
analysis and about my own husband in our
journey through this. In fact, he is still only comfortable sharing the
following because it later turned out to be a misdiagnosis. It took a couple of
appointments to get a sample at the hospital. Then when we did, we sat across
the desk from the fertility specialist who told us the results were high volume
but very low motility. Hubby literally pulled his hand out of mine, and turned
his shoulders away from me. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I
was shocked and discouraged at the news, but mostly I was worried about my
loving, open husband who had turned into a really good replica of a marble
statue. He was devastated. It took days for him to talk to me about it, maybe
weeks, I’m not sure. As I said, he is open to letting me write about it now,
because the diagnosis was incorrect. Turns out we accidentally killed a lot of
them by not following the “sample retrieval” instructions close enough. Whoops. He saw an urologist who reviewed
common errors when collecting samples (big aha moment) and recommended a retest
at a fertility clinic. He was relieved to find out his sperm is just
fine – high volume, high motility, etc. etc. “Michael Phelps Swimmers” was the
term our fertility doctor used. Lesson: Read ALL of the directions and do more
than one semen analysis before accepting a verdict as final.
So ladies, understand that his mulish refusal and obnoxious heel-dragging
about getting the semen analysis done is not
because he doesn’t want to have a baby, but because he is terrified.
Lovingly help him try to talk through the fear – but be firm about insisting
you get one done, and ASAP. If you get bad news, be patient with your husband’s
need to process it in their own way, and in their own time. Be prepared that
they will not want that news shared with anyone, family or friends, and respect
their privacy. As time passes they may become more open to letting others know,
but they may never feel that way, and that’s ok too. In fertility support group
we talk most often about husbands with vague generalities, like “If your
husband happens to have X, I have heard that Z can help it, or I tried Y,” in
an effort to get information and ideas to the women who need them.
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